It’s been awhile since I’ve seen Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon (A FILM BY MICHAEL BAY!!!!!!!!!), but it stuck with me so much that I felt the need to write a review of the “film.” The movie starts with an entitled pussy (Sam Witwicky, played by Shia LeBeouf) complaining about how he can’t get a job despite having the opportunity to meet President Obama. Meanwhile, he loafs around in his stylish and no doubt ludicrously expensive New York loft with some blonde chick who mostly stares and tries to look hot. The plot meanders along with Witwicky at the focus, all the while remaining a douchebag, while Bay spoon-feeds his audience with mind-numbing expository flashback scenes and dialogue so obvious that it’s condescending.
After more douchebaggery from Witwicky, there’s some crisis brewing between the opposing teams of Transformers, and it seems likely Witwicky will have to save Optimus Prime’s ass once again, thereby saving humankind. I know that as an audience member this was a huge relief, because saving the world (AGAIN) will likely boost Witwicky’s resumé.
Anyway, it turns into a commercial for Apple and various other bullshit. I wasn’t paying much attention, Bay had already lost me. Then Dr. McDreamy suddenly appears onscreen with an iPad. He’s rich as hell, owns a bunch of cars (MAYBE THEY’RE TRANSFORMERS?!?!?!?) and acts like an enormous douchebag. Then, like flickering candle flame in the wind, Patrick Dempsey is gone……for now (queue foreshadowing music).
Skip a few pointless minutes of Bay giving his audience the middle finger and we arrive at the beautifully shot “office scene,” starring the Asian Guy from The Hangover and John Malkovich (who has apparently lost all self-respect). The Asian Guy from The Hangover does a bunch of inane shit that’s supposed to be funny and speaks with a thick, offensive accent. He eventually dies, if I remember correctly. That was honestly the best part of the movie.
All of this brilliance happens in the first 45 minutes. But, lemme tell you, Bay doesn’t let you enjoy those 45 minutes. That would be too easy and would require intelligent dialogue and a decent plot. Instead, those 45 minutes feel closer to 4 hours. I could almost hear Michael Bay laughing his ass off while he molested me and took money right out of my wallet. Anyway, that’s when I walked out. I still haven’t seen the ending and nor do I ever want to.
A lot of things piss me off about T3:DOM. In fact, everything about that movie pisses me off. I’m still pissed, and I saw it opening weekend. Think about that. Don’t see this movie (but you probably already did).