Full Measures

No half-measures

Transformers 3: a fair review.

With this guy in it, how could it possibly be bad?It’s been awhile since I’ve seen Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon (A FILM BY MICHAEL BAY!!!!!!!!!), but it stuck with me so much that I felt the need to write a review of the “film.”  The movie starts with an entitled pussy (Sam Witwicky, played by Shia LeBeouf) complaining about how he can’t get a job despite having the opportunity to meet President Obama.  Meanwhile, he loafs around in his stylish and no doubt ludicrously expensive New York loft with some blonde chick who mostly stares and tries to look hot.  The plot meanders along with Witwicky at the focus, all the while remaining a douchebag, while Bay spoon-feeds his audience with mind-numbing expository flashback scenes and dialogue so obvious that it’s condescending.

After more douchebaggery from Witwicky, there’s some crisis brewing between the opposing teams of Transformers, and it seems likely Witwicky will have to save Optimus Prime’s ass once again, thereby saving humankind.  I know that as an audience member this was a huge relief, because saving the world (AGAIN) will likely boost Witwicky’s resumé.  

Anyway, it turns into a commercial for Apple and various other bullshit.  I wasn’t paying much attention, Bay had already lost me.  Then Dr. McDreamy suddenly appears onscreen with an iPad.  He’s rich as hell, owns a bunch of cars (MAYBE THEY’RE TRANSFORMERS?!?!?!?) and acts like an enormous douchebag.  Then, like flickering candle flame in the wind, Patrick Dempsey is gone……for now (queue foreshadowing music).

Skip a few pointless minutes of Bay giving his audience the middle finger and we arrive at the beautifully shot “office scene,” starring the Asian Guy from The Hangover and John Malkovich (who has apparently lost all self-respect).  The Asian Guy from The Hangover does a bunch of inane shit that’s supposed to be funny and speaks with a thick, offensive accent.  He eventually dies, if I remember correctly.  That was honestly the best part of the movie.

All of this brilliance happens in the first 45 minutes.  But, lemme tell you, Bay doesn’t let you enjoy those 45 minutes.  That would be too easy and would require intelligent dialogue and a decent plot.  Instead, those 45 minutes feel closer to 4 hours.  I could almost hear Michael Bay laughing his ass off while he molested me and took money right out of my wallet.  Anyway, that’s when I walked out.  I still haven’t seen the ending and nor do I ever want to.

A lot of things piss me off about T3:DOM.  In fact, everything about that movie pisses me off.  I’m still pissed, and I saw it opening weekend.  Think about that.  Don’t see this movie (but you probably already did).

Oops!  You pretended to give a shit about a celebrity dying.  Before I share thoughts on this matter, I want to clarify something: I am not saying it isn’t sad or tragic or whatever.  It sucks when anyone dies young and leaves loved ones behind, but that’s not my point.  I’m saying I’m sick of people pretending like they gave even a single fuck about Whitney Houston before the exact moment she ceased breathing.  You know the type of people I’m talking about.
Don’t act surprised when an addict overdoses and dies.  It happens all the time.  It happens everyday and you don’t even look away from that mindless garbage you’re watching or listening to or shoving in your face.  Then Whitney Houston ODs (didn’t see that one coming), and you act like she’s been this profound influence on you because you think it’s the right thing to do or the popular thing to do.  The American public loves when a talented person like Whitney dies so it can collectively act reverent and pious, pretending they gave a rat’s ass.  It’s strange, really.  The public gravitates toward it, and it’s kind of fucked up.
Millions of people don’t gather in the streets and cry when the impoverished mother of 3 overdoses, dies, and leaves her helpless children behind without money, without food, and without any semblance of a support system.  Where the fuck is the public grieving for those children?  Why doesn’t Entertainment Tonight dedicate a segment to them?  Where’s their goddamn tribute at the Grammys?  What if one of those kids could have been the best Survivor contestant ever, then would you give a shit?
If you pretended to give a shit about Whitney Houston, fuck off.  Spend your energy doing something that matters.  Volunteer at a shelter or donate to a charity.  Create something.  Affect someone’s life in a positive way.  Don’t tweet about how sad you are that Whitney Houston died or that you’re going to listen to The Bodyguard soundtrack for a week.  No one gives a shit; and neither do you.

Oops!  You pretended to give a shit about a celebrity dying.  Before I share thoughts on this matter, I want to clarify something: I am not saying it isn’t sad or tragic or whatever.  It sucks when anyone dies young and leaves loved ones behind, but that’s not my point.  I’m saying I’m sick of people pretending like they gave even a single fuck about Whitney Houston before the exact moment she ceased breathing.  You know the type of people I’m talking about.

Don’t act surprised when an addict overdoses and dies.  It happens all the time.  It happens everyday and you don’t even look away from that mindless garbage you’re watching or listening to or shoving in your face.  Then Whitney Houston ODs (didn’t see that one coming), and you act like she’s been this profound influence on you because you think it’s the right thing to do or the popular thing to do.  The American public loves when a talented person like Whitney dies so it can collectively act reverent and pious, pretending they gave a rat’s ass.  It’s strange, really.  The public gravitates toward it, and it’s kind of fucked up.

Millions of people don’t gather in the streets and cry when the impoverished mother of 3 overdoses, dies, and leaves her helpless children behind without money, without food, and without any semblance of a support system.  Where the fuck is the public grieving for those children?  Why doesn’t Entertainment Tonight dedicate a segment to them?  Where’s their goddamn tribute at the Grammys?  What if one of those kids could have been the best Survivor contestant ever, then would you give a shit?

If you pretended to give a shit about Whitney Houston, fuck off.  Spend your energy doing something that matters.  Volunteer at a shelter or donate to a charity.  Create something.  Affect someone’s life in a positive way.  Don’t tweet about how sad you are that Whitney Houston died or that you’re going to listen to The Bodyguard soundtrack for a week.  No one gives a shit; and neither do you.

Winnebago Man

If you haven’t seen Winnebago Man, we may or may not be friends.  The reason I say this is because I’m pretty sure I’ve shown everybody that video.  It’s hilarious.  I remember the first time I saw the video.  I was hungover my Freshman year of college, and upon returning to my room, a friend had sent me the link to the video via Facebook.  I watched it and laughed so hard I could hardly breathe.  There were tears streaming down my face.  At that exact moment, I didn’t know why it was so funny.  But it was the funniest viral video I had ever seen, and it still holds that title.

Winnebago Man is so funny because every human being can relate to this guy.  The frustration is so human.  You can tell this guy is having the worst time of his life.  He’s pissed; he’s fucking pissed.  At the same time, if you watch the video, it’s more than pissed.  He’s fucking furious.

Jack Rebney’s ferocity is so real you can feel it, and it will make you laugh so hard that you cry.  That is why he is so interesting.  Before tonight I had googled the guy to see what else he had done.  Nothing.  I had heard about the documentary, but honestly there are so many movies I need to see, I never got around to it.  But tonight I got around to it.  And I’m glad I did.

Winnebago Man, the documentary directed by Ben Steinbauer, captured “The Winnebago Man” as a human being.  I have to say, I’m impressed.  Jack Rebney (The Winnebago Man) is well-spoken, misunderstood, compassionate, extremely intelligent, and most of all, he is angry.  He’s angry Dick Cheney served 8 years as Vice President; he’s angry the media spits out bullshit 24/7. He’s reluctant, elusive, reclusive, yet relatable.  And yeah, he’s pissed off.  Aren’t you?  Mitt Romney might be a Presidential Candidate.  That’s something both the Founding Fathers and Jack Rebney will find scary.

I don’t want to ruin the movie, so just watch it.  It’s interesting.  Rebney started in journalism as a fairly major player in broadcast news.  Then he realized it was turning to shit and got out as quickly as possible.  That’s when he found work at Winnebago Industries in the middle of Iowa (near somewhere in the middle of America, I guess).  Who knows what he could have done had he stayed in the game.  No one will ever know.  He could have been a Hunter S. Thompson type.  I don’t say that lightly, either.  I’m a big Hunter fan, but I couldn’t stop thinking of Hunter when I saw Rebney living as a recluse and spouting off coherent but passionate diatribes on the United States Government.  Maybe it’s because they were both bald.  Who knows.

Watch Winnebago Man.  It’s on your Instant Queue, and it’s worth it.

The recent events at UC-Davis are nothing short of shocking, appalling, and downright disgusting.  Lieutenant John Pike is pictured above using military-grade pepper spray at point-blank range on peaceful demonstrators at UC-Davis’ campus on Friday afternoon.  Just from perusing the world wide web, it ain’t hard to tell there’s a lot of visceral emotion toward Pike himself.  I would say justifiably so.  However, Pike shouldn’t be the only one held accountable.  The whole system is at fault.  Ultimately, our society is at fault.  Lt. Pike and people like him are the products of a much larger sociological flaw.  I don’t have a Ph.D in a social science, so I’m not going to sit here and try to write a dissertation on the sad state of modern society.  But I do know when something is deeply fucked.  I’m not saying Pike shouldn’t be held accountable.  In fact, I think he should be removed from the police force permanently.  The whole system should be revamped;  maybe this hack-job can work his makeover magic on the country’s police force?  We can only dream, right?
Hell, maybe I’m reading way too far into this whole thing.  Maybe Lt. Pike is just a frustrated middle-aged man, chronically miserable because he’s struggling to hide a little secret and looks like this dude* trying to dress up like this dude on Halloween.
For an interesting account of what happened on Friday straight from the horse’s mouth, read this.  
*Nothing against Louis.  The dude is unmatched in the comedy game right now.

The recent events at UC-Davis are nothing short of shocking, appalling, and downright disgusting.  Lieutenant John Pike is pictured above using military-grade pepper spray at point-blank range on peaceful demonstrators at UC-Davis’ campus on Friday afternoon.  Just from perusing the world wide web, it ain’t hard to tell there’s a lot of visceral emotion toward Pike himself.  I would say justifiably so.  However, Pike shouldn’t be the only one held accountable.  The whole system is at fault.  Ultimately, our society is at fault.  Lt. Pike and people like him are the products of a much larger sociological flaw.  I don’t have a Ph.D in a social science, so I’m not going to sit here and try to write a dissertation on the sad state of modern society.  But I do know when something is deeply fucked.  I’m not saying Pike shouldn’t be held accountable.  In fact, I think he should be removed from the police force permanently.  The whole system should be revamped;  maybe this hack-job can work his makeover magic on the country’s police force?  We can only dream, right?

Hell, maybe I’m reading way too far into this whole thing.  Maybe Lt. Pike is just a frustrated middle-aged man, chronically miserable because he’s struggling to hide a little secret and looks like this dude* trying to dress up like this dude on Halloween.

For an interesting account of what happened on Friday straight from the horse’s mouth, read this.  

*Nothing against Louis.  The dude is unmatched in the comedy game right now.

We all know this dickweed.  You know, the guy who insists on wearing shorts every single day of the year, regardless of the weather?  I’d like to shake this guy and say, “What in God’s name are you thinking?”  But, if he’s doing it because he just loves shorts and truly isn’t affected by the cold (he does have a few lbs. to throw around), then fine.  It’s your choice if you want to look like you slept through autumn and woke up rocking what you had on at that labor day BBQ.  
If you can honestly say that you are simply more comfortable in shorts, okay, I’ll respect it, I guess.  Good luck locking down a respectable gig looking like you just walked out off the frat house lawn.  Additionally, if you’re doing it to keep up your rep as “the guy who always wears shorts,” stop now.  That is not a rep you want.  It translates as “the guy who so desperately wants acceptance that he’ll do the ‘shorts guy’ schtick if that’s what it takes.”  Get some pants, bro.  Preferably pants that fit and don’t have a leg opening the size of a normal person’s torso.  

We all know this dickweed.  You know, the guy who insists on wearing shorts every single day of the year, regardless of the weather?  I’d like to shake this guy and say, “What in God’s name are you thinking?”  But, if he’s doing it because he just loves shorts and truly isn’t affected by the cold (he does have a few lbs. to throw around), then fine.  It’s your choice if you want to look like you slept through autumn and woke up rocking what you had on at that labor day BBQ.  

If you can honestly say that you are simply more comfortable in shorts, okay, I’ll respect it, I guess.  Good luck locking down a respectable gig looking like you just walked out off the frat house lawn.  Additionally, if you’re doing it to keep up your rep as “the guy who always wears shorts,” stop now.  That is not a rep you want.  It translates as “the guy who so desperately wants acceptance that he’ll do the ‘shorts guy’ schtick if that’s what it takes.”  Get some pants, bro.  Preferably pants that fit and don’t have a leg opening the size of a normal person’s torso.